November 17, 2008
TS: When you hear the word discrimination what do you think of? Most people would think of racism, but I think of heterosexism. SD: In the dictionary it says, “Heterosexism is a term that applies to attitudes, bias, and discrimnation in favor of opposite-sex sexuality and relationships.” CM: Although a lot of people accept the gay community, there are a lot of people who don’t. CM: To me it doesn’t make sense why people yell names and make fun of them. SD: I accept them; I understand that the gay community did not pick to be gay. CM: A lot of people don’t understand that they are born that way. CM: I think if more people were educated about being gay they would be more accepting. CS: They can’t change the way they are, and they shouldn’t, people should understand that.
TS: Ms. Olsen has lost her family, and some friends while she was “coming out”. they did not support her with her choice of life like they should have, but she has staid strong and made many more friends that became her new family. Her life falling apart, Ms. Olsen turned out to be a strong woman.
Red=Participle
Blue=Absolute
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Date-November 20, 2008
Assingment-Essay #7
1. I'm Trying to make all my grammer correct. and i also am trying to use the special terms correct each week.
2. I like my second body paragraph. I think I stayed under one topic through out the whole essay.
3. My into and conclution paragraphs could have related to my body paragraphs alittle bit better. I dont think I did my absolute correctly.
4. C+
4 comments:
Kate, this essay was very good. You explained your thesis well, and succeeded in keeping everything under "one umbrella". However there are a lot of grammar issues that could be changed with just another proof read. For instance, in the second CM of the second paragraph, "to" should be capitalized and "scenes" should be sense. Also, the second SD in the first paragraph, is a run-on sentence. Try to only have one "and" in a sentence. In addition, you don't need the "how" in that same sentence either. I would look over that sentence again, and try to make it less confusing. After you change all these minor issues, I'm sure this will prove to be a HUMDINGER!
Dear Kate,
This is a sick-nasty essay! I did see on few things you could work on though. Maybe in your first body paragraph you could introduce the "situation" before talking about how serious it is. Like Parker said if you re-read the essay you can see the simple grammer errors you've made. By the way, I really enjoy your second body paragraph because you seem to really understand the situation and you seem like you would like to change it for the better. It is quite inspiring!
---SCARLET
Kate, I love how u had the links on the essay for those words. Great thinking. In your first paragraph, u repeated the statement that there were people that supported gay people. Another thing to change would be to change your second paragraph so that the topic sentence relates back to the concluding sentence. GREAT ESSAY!!!
This is a bit awkward: "At Stump Olsens, a gay woman, high school..." Try your best to make every sentence totally smooth.
I see some small errors in the opening paragraph. Try to look carefully for those kinds of mistakes in future essays. They can be quite damaging.
"Cam" instead of "came" is a mistake that you need to avoid in high school.
I, too, like the second body paragraph. It's NICELY ORGANIZED!
"they shouldn’t, people should..."
---You need a semicolon or period after "shouldn't".
“coming out”. they did..." Here's another damaging error, Kate -- one you easily could have caught with a careful re-reading. Try your best to remember that.
.............
Keep working hard, Kate. The second body par is an example of how well you can write. You are GOOD!
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